I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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