3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize