Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
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In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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