so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
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I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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