guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
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The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Vodka?
Forever.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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