Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
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Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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