The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
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I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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