I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
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next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
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I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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