if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
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Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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