Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
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All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
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Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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