I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
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So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
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And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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