Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
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You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
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I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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