I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
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I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
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She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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