I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
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Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
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Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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