I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
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It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
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I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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