I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
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I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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