New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
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I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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