This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
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YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
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Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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