I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
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then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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