Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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