after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize