I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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