i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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