My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
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my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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