My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
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I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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