Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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