we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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