I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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