She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
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Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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