i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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