he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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