I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
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I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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