Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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