I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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