i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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