How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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