I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
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Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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