I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
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We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
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I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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