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just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
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