There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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