I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
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I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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