So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
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Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
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Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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