omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
this is an emotional support booty call
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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