GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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