Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize