She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
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I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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