Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
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he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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