I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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