You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
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she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
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We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
there is glitter all over my balls
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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