sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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